The Accidental Expectant Father

I can remember very clearly the evening we found out we were going to have our first baby, it is something that will be with me forever. It was a moment of shared bliss which unexpectedly brought my partner and I closer together as a couple, and sent us on a new journey of discovery and joint purpose. This is the way the event unfolded for us.

We live away from the family and friends we grew up with, moving to Australia’s Gold Coast a few years back. Yes, we opted for a sea change. One of the great things about living here though is the constant stream of family and friends which come and stay with us, on extended visits. We love it.

It was January 2008 that we started to suspect that we were pregnant. We actually had my parents staying with us at the time, so we didn’t purchase a pregnancy test until after they had departed.

On purchasing a pregnancy test, an amusing series of events unfolded. My partner ducked out into the bathroom and urinated on the stick as per the directions. Having done so, all courage departed and she ran into the living room, buried herself under a pillow and hid from it. She demanding that I go and find out what it had to tell us.

So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our first baby was on the way. I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands. Demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her. So I sat down beside her and softly said “sweetheart, we are going to have a baby”.

At this moment she point blank accused me of lying, telling me she didn’t believe a word I said and ran into the bathroom to see for herself. It was pretty funny! This was a great introduction to our first pregnancy as those initial magical moments can only be described by the word “roller-coaster”. Which is exactly what the next 8 months or so turned out to be.

The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmuring quietly “we are going to be parents”, “you are going to be a mum”, “you are going to be a dad” and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.

Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalize you as far as they can out of the process.

For example, one of my partner’s friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.

Second guessing the advice we received from our doctors was another big issue. When these women had their babies, they did it differently. So the information our doctors were giving us must have been incorrect, these well meaning women knew “much better”.

This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a roller-coaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.

These can really be tempered though by the pressures other people put on you. You may feel like you are constantly defending yourself from expectations and opinions that you just shouldn’t have to deal with. It can be frustrating, it can cause issues between you and your partner at the very time you should be working together.

Expressing my feelings on the matter to all the new fathers in my circle of friends, I found that we are all the same. Pretty much every dad I spoke to had to deal with a variation of the “well meaning woman”. So if you find yourself locking horns with such a person, it could be your mother, the mother in law or a good friend, don’t think you are on your own. Speak to some of the Dad’s you know, it won’t take you long to find one who can give you some tips for dealing with the situation.

If you are facing such an issue at the moment, with a well meaning woman trying to marginalize you from being involved in the birth of your own child, there are two things in particular which you need to protect your family from.

Firstly, you need to protect your right to trust the medical information your health professionals are giving you. You need to make people aware that within your family, opinions on medical matters are off limits to them.

Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they’d do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers’ instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else’s opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people’s opinions undermining the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.

So, as a father to be, if you find yourself confronted by the “Well Meaning Woman”, you are certainly not the first, and will not be the last. Good luck with it and remember, even though these people will make you feel like you know less, 99% of the time your insticts will be spot on.